Norcross returned to work on the Monday morning with a jaunty gait and uncharacteristic air of confidence. Despite news of our shocking performance against Cobham, he was pretty sure that this week would be one of the easier ones, availability wise. A quick bit of mental arithmetic had told him that 10 players were available and he had done no calling yet.
The first thing one does on arrival at work after a week away is sort through the mountain of e-mail that has built up, mostly rubbish offering free dental care from the States or once in a lifetime opportunities to own the truncheons that were used to beat up Rodney King and the like. Top of the list and winking saucily was a message from Andy Mckee with no subject title; always an ambiguous sign. Norcross opens said message warily to discover that he has been “given” three players by the 1sts for the only time in living memory. Branson could at last be recalled as wicket-keeper, Richard Clark would return to give our batting much needed resilience, and Sudipto Sen, a child bowling prodigy with a terrifying faster one would be blooded. Good news, but also, hang on, Easter and Patel B. returning, Norcross and Kane back. Seven changes from last week’s debacle. The jaunty gait and Ealing comedy tuneless whistle of contentment suddenly disappeared and a long thoughtful chainsmoke ensued. Ryder and Thomas were musts, which meant that only two more could be picked. Dingers brings with him the inestimable riches of the mighty Linda so he can’t be dropped. Ramon had just bowled better than ever, same going for Nigel who would be our only spinner, and Eyles had been stand in captain. Evans had proved himself to be a fielder non-pareil, had showed potential with the bat, and most importantly, had responded promptly and unequivocally to e-mails requesting news of his availability. Fortunately Mikshu, Ansbro and Cannon were all unavailable. Now no-one, with the possible exception of beaky-eared sadist school prefects, leading industrialists and editors of daily newspapers, likes to tell people that their services are not required. Especially when the people who have to be told have done little wrong and for the most part have shown commitment that would put most others to shame. It occurred to Norcross at this time that perhaps he should step down and umpire. At least that way he could pretty much guarantee a winning draw.
A panic stricken e-mail was despatched forthwith to Zoob informing him of this sudden bumper hamper of cricketing riches in the hope that a sweetener could be offered to the unlucky few; rich pickings against lesser batsmen, the chance to rediscover your length, that sort of stuff. Zoob replied promptly; "they’ll all be stricken with sleeper’s neck, or last minute lifts for granny to the airport. Relax.” Of course, a voice of sanity, though hardly from the most expected quarter.
It was not long before Zoob’s words began to take on an eerie truth, almost as if he had manufactured events. Firstly Mckee demands the mighty Sen back. Annoying since he was the man to bowl us to victory, but at least this meant Ramon’s place was secure. Then on Thursday comes news of Clark’s withdrawal with injury. Easter was unavailable after all because of rugby training (can they not leave each other alone for three months – purleeeaase), and Bhavish may have to attend a BBQ that hadn’t been organised/finalised yet. Then Sen cries off altogether with a knee injury meaning Caspar was back in the ones. By Thursday night Norcross found his team was two short after all and a very different sounding panic was assailing Zoob over the wires. As luck would have it the redoubtable Bhavish Patel came riding to the rescue, eschewing BBQ’s, elevenses, a dry sherry with the Master even and brought with him Imran Nasser, all rounder, wicket keeper, general factotum.
Once again the team was finally wrapped up at 11.25 p.m. on Friday night, and Norcross slept as soundly as any man can who has spent five days juggling 17 names, telephone numbers and e-mail addresses in his head.
Saturday broke, and before long Kane, Thomas and fitness advisor Danika Pyfinch arrived at the door looking lean, mean and lucid. A brief debrief of the last two weeks’ events followed before we set sail for Richmond Town and our date with destiny. It seems apposite at this juncture to contextualise our opponents. Two years ago they had behaved in perhaps the most perfidious, most excessively foul, most downright bastardly, petty, evil, small minded gittish way possible. As we headed for a relatively comfortable victory, their bowler took it upon himself to run out two of our batsmen whilst they were backing up without the customary warning. This resentment had simmered and so Norcross prepared his players for a contest of unremitting nastiness. Instead of the usual catching practise, throw ins etc. we, or at least Norcross, were loosening our throats and preparing our minds for a war of words of unprecedented childishness and immaturity. It would start, Norcross decided, with mind games of low cunning.
Meanwhile it became apparent that the OA’s were missing Dingwall, Linda the scorer, Eyles and Ramon. Still, we would almost certainly lose the toss, so their absence would not be much felt awhile yet. Norcross could put off the inevitable no longer and so sought out the skipper, a bald, large foreheaded man with a touch of the Frasiers about him. We strode to the wicket and Norcross put his masterplan into action. “As you will have gathered from our results we have had a couple of wins lately but we’re back to the same rubbish we had at the start of the season. Can’t seem to score any runs, and the firsts have nicked the only three decent players I’d got.” Unfortunately Frasier didn’t appear to be taking much notice, being much more interested in recalling the previous five fixtures between the teams and noting that Richmond had only managed one losing draw in all that time. “Well you won’t have any trouble today, I can assure you. We’re absolutely diabolical and make no mistake,” was the last desperate attempt to instil a false sense of security. Up goes the coin, Norcross, against his better judgement but according to deep anti-royalist sympathies calls tails. Heads it is. Pause. “We’ll have a bat,” laughs Frasier disconcertingly. Never in the history of the Surrey Championship, save for when a side requires one point for promotion/relegation and seeks to bat all day does anybody choose to bat. Indeed the toss is merely a formality to decide who bats first on the basis of who calls wrong. Combined with the knowledge that Richmond Town were about the most disreputable bunch of evil, conniving sods who ever walked the earth and that Norcross himself had planned to say just the same thing followed by a cackle and “only joking”, served to convince your erstwhile captain that this was merely a word game he was playing. Just in case, he didn’t motion to his players until he was back in the pavilion. Players stare pleadingly at him for a sign. “I lost the toss” he informed them. His openers duly pad up. After about five minutes Norcross notices that everyone seems to be padding up and so checks with a person he doesn’t recognise. “Are you playing for Richmond Town?” he asks one of them with full riot gear on. “Yes” comes the surly reply. Norcross rushes back to the changing room. “Change of plan, no time to explain. We’re fielding.” This news seemed to hit Nigel the hardest who had been preparing himself for a lazy three hours after the rigours of a 50 minute drive had depleted his energy reserves to lower than a hibernating squirrel in early April.
Then it hit him. We have only eight and no wicket keeper. It was at this point that Imran Nasser’s revelation that he had been an all rounder who bowled but was now a wicket keeper who batted began to seem less like the grotesque disappointment it had been some 15 minutes earlier. Still, we were missing two of our most reliable bowlers, so it was up to Bhavish and Ralph to open the bowling with no slips or gully. To their credit they kept a tidy line and length and for 25 minutes the runs were kept to a premium. At this point (17-0 off 8 overs) Dingers and Eyles appear. Eyles rushes out on to the pitch and is stationed at extra cover. Thomas, the bowler, understandably requests an even smattering of agile young bucks on either side of the wicket so Eyles is moved across. There then follows a sulky tirade of muttering and grumbling that takes everyone back. “Not going to wicket keep, won’t get a bowl and now I’m so crap I’ve got to be hidden in the field.” Aside from the fact that with a left hand-right hand combination he was merely being moved from extra cover/midwicket on the sparse side of the square to extra cover/midwicket on the smooth, big side of the square, this seemed a most inappropriate grumble from a man who had only been deprived of wicket keeping duties ‘cos he’d been so smashed the night before he couldn’t get to the ground until 30 mins after kick off. Norcross put this down to residual alcohol levels and splitting headaches, and resolved to wrest the pads off Nasser at the earliest possible opportunity lest this bizarre performance infect our chances of presenting a united and thoroughly beastly front to our experienced bastard opponents.
Immediately Thomas produced a woeful away swinging full toss that was flat batted straight to Patel and we had our breakthrough. Ramon then arrived and after Bhavish began to lose his line, he came on. Instantly he trumped Thomas with a slow looping long hop that the number three and dead ringer for Father Abraham misjudged as a bouncer and attempted to hook. The ball then began its downward loop, ricocheted of Abraham’s breast and landed ever so slowly onto the base of middle stump, dislodging one bail. Huge. Eyles was now restored to his former perky self and we were on a roll. Sadly, our opposition showed less inclination to throw their wickets away henceforth and began a steady repair job, maintaining a rate of around three an over whilst looking in little bother. Ramon managed to prise out the dangerous looking number four thanks to a stunning catch by Phyllis Ryder in the gully, but for the next hour or so wickets fell at infrequent intervals. Our fielding remained impressive throughout, however, and Richmond never really managed to get enough above the rate. Nigel was bowling splendidly, in stark contrast to his “efforts” in the field where he gave a convincing impersonation of Mr. Magoo looking for a pair of glasses buried beneath five feet of recently laid tar. Batsman came and went. Dingers was admirably tight for six overs and then began to lose his length. Nigel remained consistent. With a likely maximum of ten overs left Norcross decided to replace Dingers with the as yet untried Nasser; untried because he modestly stated that he hadn’t bowled for two years. Something about the lad suggested that he might be pretty handy, so the bad news was delivered to Dingers. “I’m bringing on Imran.” “Do think that’s a good idea skip? I mean it could be a mistake. I don’t know, I really don’t know. I think you could be making a terrible mistake.” “Well let me give it a go for an over and if he’s shite you can come back on.” “I don’t know,” repeated Dingers, now about as worried a man as I’ve seen since the same man was asked for 20 pence by his wife for the parking meter.
Nasser comes on and his first ball is short of a length outside off stump but about three yards quicker than anything bowled all afternoon. The batsman assays a huge pull but the ball comes on to him so quickly he succeeds only in ballooning the easiest catch off his splice you will ever see to mid on where Dingers…Far be it from me to question the man’s motives; he had just finished a stint of eight overs after all, and was probably not expecting the ball quite so soon, but Norcross nonetheless dropped to his knees as yet another tactical coup was snatched from his grasp. It mattered little in the context of the game. Richmond barely upped the tempo and Nasser bowled admirably to prevent more than 15 runs coming from his four overs. Walker finished with 3-49 from 15 overs and Richmond declared only two overs early on 180-7. It had been a good all round performance, late attendances and that drop notwithstanding. We competed throughout but lacked a strike bowler. In retrospect perhaps Nasser could have been introduced earlier.
Thus far the game had been played in a very good spirit which was deeply disconcerting for Norcross. Although he secretly hoped that he had been responsible for not being put in to bat, he had had no further opportunity to unleash the big guns of sledging represented by Paul Kane and Alan Eyles. They were restive and needed somebody/thing to have a pop at.
After tea we opened up with Thomas and Bhavish Patel. To everyone’s astonishment, Richmond began with two “spinners” who launched the ball high into the air. Thomas and Patel are not exactly the batsmen for such devious tricks, preferring as they do fast, straight balls that they can drive or deflect. They did manage 39 in 10 overs, seldom looking like getting out, but not altogether comfortable either. Then, just as we were predicting Ralph’s downfall to a long hop, Ralph was caught at short extra off a long hop. Evans was equally unimpressed by the bowling and departed rapidly before Ryder and Patel began to give the innings shape again. Sadly Bhavish could withstand the temptation to slog his way out of his discomfort no longer and we collapsed as per usual. Then Richmond removed their “spinners” and took the new ball. The impressive Nasser was LBW to a shooter, but not before he had been given out to another shooter which had hit his bat. Frasier withdrew the appeal. This act of generosity finally soured the game entirely for Norcross who went out to bat shorn of all his expected motivation. After a couple of streaky cuts over the slips, he was bowled yet again round his legs by the one potentially objectionable Richmond player who was sporting a moustache last seen on Frankie Goes To Hollywood’s farewell tour. Kane played over a straight one, Dingers was a victim of the pitch and Ryder soon followed. What had looked at 70-2 like a nice easy win, suddenly became 120-8 with Ramon and Magoo at the wicket. There were 5 overs remaining and 27 needed for the winning draw, with only Eyles to come. By this stage, however, The moustachioed one had so riled Ryder and Nasser that the latter had been transformed from the naïve, happy, forgiving soul or yore to the hard bitten cynic that is the mind set of all league cricketers however lowly. “We’re not losing to these bastards,” he growled. Norcross was only too happy to clutch on to the theme he felt sure would give his team the edge. “Too bloody right.” With stirring words of revenge resounding around his ears, Magoo and Ramon began to show steel and no little skill. They ran quick singles, or at least Ramon did going to the danger end. They struck out when given width and defended the straight balls. The target for the winning draw was now 10 in two overs and Norcross was considering what his instructions would be to Alan should he now be called to the wicket. As each further run was scrambled the decision became more and more difficult. We couldn’t lose to them; that was right out. But we were so close. But Alan is a maniac with bat in hand and could do anything. Was there any point in even considering instructions since they were highly unlikely to be heeded. Norcross was pacing around annoyingly now, and Alan was practising forward defensives and huge cross batted slogs in equal measure.
Still Ramon and Magoo chipped away at the target, Ramon producing a fantastic cover drive for four and Nigel pushing and occasionally hitting over the top. Throughout this excitement Ralph remained imperturbable, nestling his head in Danika’s lap as she stroked and soothed his neck. The last over arrived and we needed three runs for the win draw. A dot ball and then two brilliantly taken singles follow. Three balls left, 1 run to get. Surely we are home. Then for some reason best known to Nigel he plants his foot down the wicket and strikes the ball high in the air straight to deep long-on. It was not steepling, in fact its arc was quite gentle. Eyles is standing motionless with eyes wide open. Norcross has already prepared his instructions, and then, by some miracle, some evening up of the fates, the hapless fielder drops it. The run has been taken and it is only left to Ramon to defend the last two balls, which he does without alarm.
Our first winning draw of the season. An odd feeling. Richmond are second in the table and it was a good performance to restrict their run rate to just over three an over. But once again our batting let us down when we could have had a chance of victory. But after the disasters of early season, it seems to be coming together. Phyllis Ryder again batted well, and Bhavish looks like a fine signing to provide us with the best opening pair in the league alongside the ever dependable Thomas. We were the victims of a couple of nasty shooters which undermined our progress at a crucial stage of the innings, and our tail wagged again, which is hugely encouraging. The team remains very similar for next week with only Kane and Evans unavailable. They will be replaced by Richard Clark and Mark Easter. Doud Khan may come back into the reckoning, so a strong team again for the visit of the resurgent Paulines.
The game was played in a very affable spirit throughout which was due in no small part to Frasier. Looks like we will have to save our sledging for the grudge match against Alleyn Old Boys. Oh yes, and congratulations to Ramon on overseeing a victory against Oakhill Taverners in his first game as captain, guiding his side to victory with a prudent 21 not out. Maybe it is time to retire.
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